the truth of it all // motherhood is...

10:23 PM

when i am overwhelmed i clean, a lot. or when i feel like i am about to loose my marbles. i turn on a movie for my toddler (who apparently no longer naps), strap the baby to my chest, and i clean. i download thoughts and emotions and i get a grip. it isn't my best parenting moment, but it is real. and while i clean, i think, and i pray (a lot), and i write out blog posts in my mind which i later wish i would have written down because the words never come so eloquent again. and i sometimes even grow temporarily envious of my husband because he is at work or he is studying and he is with grown, communicative people. and though i know he is actually working his butt off, i tell myself he is getting breaks and social interaction and it'd be easier to be him (even though what he's really doing is closing some gaping wound or tending to patient so-and-so for the fiftieth time that week) at which point i usually (hopefully) stop and pray again for the bitterness i've allowed to creep in and take over. all the while with my most precious newborn strapped to me, who at this point has fallen asleep, who i suddenly realize will also be two, in a day not so far away which is where this whole mess of emotion came from in the get go. and there is my holland, my two year old. my holland who i hold so dear, my holland who picks me all the flowers a mamma could ever ask for, my holland who takes absolute joy in helping me, but whom i have also told no to, or to please stop umpteen times today and yesterday and the day before all for the same action while he continues on seemingly unaffected.

all of which to say, it hasn't been the actual transition of having two children that has been hard for me, but rather the transition of having a two year old. we have moments sweet as pie, and then moments (or days) where i literally feel like i am about to pull my hair out, and it can all change in an absolute instant. today was exactly like that. and this whole nap boycott thing that's been going on around here, it is rough. one nap in EIGHT days. it isn't working for any of us.

and then i remember this is what i signed up for, this is what i asked for, and this is what i have been given. my children are blessings, and this is a season, not eternity, and so i give thanks. my cleaning slows and my joy begins to return.

and so...well, today my house is clean. and i feel a little like i just ran a marathon, and tomorrow, well tomorrow is a new day. a new day to try again, a new day to fall upon the lord, a new day to love on my children. a day to start fresh. and tonight, well tonight, i meditate upon new mercies the morning brings and give thanks both of my children as sleeping peaceful as angels.

motherhood, it isn't always apples, and play dates, and baked goods, though that it is what we read, and it is what i usually choose to share about. in all reality motherhood is tough. and though it is these things sometimes, it is much more. it is humbling, raw, and messy. and my children (and yours), they'll be grown before we know it, and this will all be but a blink of the eye, and we will look back at these days and we will miss them, but today, today was hard. and that's real and we are in it together.

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