tradition. i'm a sucker for it. a true creature of habit. our daily, monthly, yearly rhythms...i rely on them. maybe that's why i love this time of the year so much, it's full of it. our annual trip to our favorite christmas tree farm has to be one of my favorites. but that's no news to you if you've been around these parts a while. it's the only lot our boys have ever known. it's a place where they can run wild and free, a place with familiar faces, owned by a dear friend that has become family, and a fill-in grandpa for our little cuties as family is far away. i feel like i was just sharing a post, much like this one, yesterday, yet another year has passed. our blonde-haired boy's precious locks have been freshly cut, giving way to a much more toddler and very boy appearance, h has sprouted up like a bean pole, and my belly has rounded out with our third boy due in three months. 

come fall, this is a lively place for us with pumpkins in october, cut and living trees as fall gives into winter, and fresh eggs from the coup with each drop in visit. i am so thankful to be able to share these simple, yet life-giving things with our boys, especially as city dwellers ourselves. it is these events, these days, that stick in my mind most.

the sun fading away, sticky candy cane fingers, big grins, clark ringing the cowbell, the sheep in the pasture, h digging with a full-sized shovel to his very heart's content, a sight briskness in the air. no bulky, loud toys, no television on, just a big old breath of nature followed by tired-eyes, and a quiet drive home.

so here is how it happened:

just before dinner i handed you a bottle of warm milk, which you've never in your life have taken, but this time i told you it was "nurse, nurse", and that if you wanted to do it, this was how. to my surprise, you lit up in all of your toddler-i-want-control-glory and off you went back to playing with your brother with a tiny sip here and a tiny sip there, not really drinking it, but content. dinner came, and then bedtime.


we stuck to our usual routine, i sat in our usual spot, but this time i said just snuggles and handed you your bottle. to my complete and utter shock, you didn't protest. we sat and rocked. i laid you down, said goodnight but yet you became furious. you were so upset. i left the room to leave you to settle but when you did not i scooped you up expecting you demand we nurse, but again you did not. i offered you your bottle, but you asked for water, took a big drink and settled in to snuggle on my chest. you didn't lift my shirt, or demand it down, you didn't tap my chest, or stick your hand in after it. you just snuggled into me, closer than ever, staring wide-eyed back at me with two little fingers resting on your mouth. it is a moment i never want to forget. your long blonde hair pushed back, your arms tucked under your body as far as they could go, your tired, now relaxed eyes peering into mine. in that moment it was as if you understood that it was just time, like it was mutual. through your gaze everything was spoken, yet nothing at all. understanding, tenderness, acknowledgment, thanksgiving, sadness, anticipation, comfort, even joy. in that moment tears flooded over me. i don't know why i get so emotional about the whole weaning process, but i do. nursing is intimate and special to me. and it has been to you as well. it is the first act we did together after you were born, and where our physical, earthly bond began. it is one of the best feelings in the world, nurture at its finest. but tonight, you didn't need it.
 

i remember feeling this way with your bother as well, never quite ready despite how many times i said i was. i can truly say i love the gift that nursing is and has been for us. your every ounce of milk has been through me. the closeness, the bond, the ability to fully sustain another human being on something my body is programmed to make, it astounds me. i feel so blessed, so lucky to be able to have given you the best for nineteen months. nineteen months of you by my side every single day and every single night. i will absolutely miss this season but anticipate the new season to come.

we had so much fun hanging out down by the water and exploring the area nearby. the boys ran and dug (in their picture clothes and all), and jana was so great and understanding, encouraging it even. it made the day feel a whole lot less like a photo shoot and a whole lot more fun. holland was quick to ditch his shoes and get right to play, clark followed close behind per the norm. 

i have been so excited to share her captures with you. i hope you enjoy them as much as we do, and don't forget to check out her blog, jana contreras studios to book your next session with her (or just browse around).

as you can see, we are definitely a kissing family. i guess i just love these boys so much i can't help but smother them with my love. ;)