after a long day (or week rather) i decided to pop open a bottle of  red wine (which i am certain will forever remind me of nights spent at the beach what feels like an entire life time ago), and bake quintessential chocolate chip cookies, sans kids, in the peace of a quiet home, with them tucked away in their beds, soundly snoozing. it's not often i bake anymore. what use to be pretty much a daily thing has now become bi-weekly at best. baking was my thing, in a big way. it's pretty much what i did and where i put my extra time and our extra money. i baked for every event, dinner, occasion, just because and all of the time...until we had two kids.


now the thought of baking is quickly followed with thoughts along the lines of "i just don't want to deal with the hassle of holland 'helping' " or "i don't have the patience", "it won't be any fun", "it's not the same" (which it isn't but i'll get to that later). baking use to be an outlet for me that has willingly taken the side burner. just look how excited i was about this tiny little baking space a couple years ago. i say willingly, because motherhood is something i have always wanted, it's what i've wanted my whole life, and it is so worth setting aside things for, but what i realized tonight is that maybe me having to set it aside is something i've created, but not really the truth. as i creamed the butter, added the sugar, measured my flour and salt and baking soda, cracked a single egg, poured in the vanilla, scraped down the edges, and finally and carefully mixed in the chocolate chips, was that i missed my baker-man terribly, my holland. i missed him so much that it actually ached deep inside of me. not leaving a little pile of chcolate chips on the counter for him so he stayed out of the rest, or cleaning up flour e v e r y w h e r e felt plain empty and was all too easy. my cookies were mixed and in the oven in a flash. i wasn't poked or prodded with sticky fingers, there was nearly no mess to clean, and what i thought would be so satisfying really wasn't, and was over before i knew it. when the timer went off, no one ran to the oven or pulled out the hot mits, i wasn't asked fifteen times if the cookies were ready to eat, rather i was left with the realization of just how integrated my life has become with that of my children's, that they are legitimately a part of me, that some of my passions are now that of my oldest's, and though baking use to be my thing, now it's our thing, holland and i's. it isn't that it needs to take the side burner as i've  told myself, it just looks a little bit different right now, and a lot more messy.


and those things i've told myself about baking being too messy, too hard, that i don't have the patience for, they are simply lies, lies i have allowed to creep in and steal a little bit of my joy, our joy. holland loves baking with me and i take that away from him all of the time. it is so simple but so true. tonight i am left with thoughts of just how often i allow this type of thought to creep into my daily life, thoughts that my children might be a nusience or even prevent me from certain things, when really they are the complete opposite, blessing me, growing me in the best of ways. motherhood is hard some days, weeks, months even, but guys, it is so worth it. and i am so in love with these two little people i have been entrusted with raising.


i encourage you to ask yourself where you allow lies to creep in and take a hold of parts of your life, because i think we all do it. what is important however, it what we do about it. do we allow these lies, be them big or small, to take away little bits of our joy before finally stealing the last of it, or do we stand up and stop the lies? personally, i want to stand up and take back my joy. i want to choose joy and truth everyday, and i know you do too.