pardon the selfie

so, i figured i should take a little time to write about this little man we've been referring to as cooper number two growing inside of me, before he is actually here. second pregnancies really do go by a whole lot faster and are a whole lot different, at least from my experience. perhaps it's just the chasing a toddler all day part, but here we are, 30 weeks plus.

i am ready, but so not ready. we are waiting on a crib for the little man (which is taking forever to ship), and then will get started on a shared space for our boys. i am also eager to get to town on our yard and make it a toddler haven for those many days at home ahead of us. we are hoping to have a little extra time with hubby later this month which might allow for this.

we are so glad to have our move behind us. our house is starting to feel like a home just in time.

as for this baby of ours, he is a mellow guy (or so we think) except at night. his hour is still eleven to midnight or one. he moves and he grooves but i don't really mind. and with a husband who works funky hours, we're usually up anyhow though our holland has been sleeping for hours. this babe of ours has recently been hanging out literally in my side. he must be sideways or have really long legs and arms because sometimes it feels like he is about to wrap around to my back, if that is even possible.

my belly button has been popped out for ages. i think it happened somewhere in my first trimester! i know, crazy right? and i showed overnight. at least i got to skip that awkward i feel bloated/look like a ate too much stage. seriously, the worst.

generally, i feel pretty good at this point with the exception of some normal tiredness and aches and pains. this kid sits low! but then again, apparently that's a second baby thing. also heartburn! new to me this time around and from water of all things, late at night, of course when i want it most.

as for cravings; vinegar, frozen grapes...really just loads of fruit in general and the occasional minty ice cream. nothing super crazy.

as for headaches, which i am sure i've mentioned somewhere along they way, they are gone! praise the lord. if i haven't mentioned this on this space, i suffered the worst pregnancy migraines (maybe known to man) through most of my first and second trimester. and then just like that, they went away. i've come to the conclusion, it has to be a hormone thing! i also had these with holland, the entire pregnancy, but was able to manage them fairly well. not so this time. they were full blown migraines five to six days out of the week. talk about a whole new kind of challenge!

but isn't it amazing how quickly we forget these challenges in pregnancy and birth? or at least i do. just the other day i found myself thinking, oh those weren't that bad and then i thought, wait, are you crazy!? yes they were! pain the to point of throwing up, come on now. but it totally wouldn't stop me from welcoming in another little cooper. it's all a little absurd though.

two more weeks and we get another sneak peak at our little guy. the doctors have a few things to check out on this fellow to make sure all is well. nothing to worry about at this point, but we'd totally appreciate your prayers. we are finding ourselves growing eager, not only for this appointment, but to meet this character of ours and get a plan of action in place for after birth if need be.

on another note, braxton hicks started today which make me that much more eager for the real deal. i sort of love them.

my son accidently let go of his first balloon outside this evening. i've honestly never seen him so heartbroken or distraught nor have i see him have so much fun with a simple balloon just moments before. seriously, he was having the time of his life with this thing. we tried, we really tried to grab it but it was just out of reach and escaped us as it drift high, high into the sky before it was out of sight. to be honest, it completely broke my heart to see my son so distraught, tears strolling down his face, arms outstretched repeating "my balloon! my balloon!". he was literally shivering, bottom lip protruding farther than i knew it could ever go. i saw absolute raw emotion. it was a side of him i have never seen.
he was distraught, confused, broken over it. but yet, i am thankful for this experience. thankful that we have day in and out together and that we get to learn more about each other each and everyday, see each other in new light, in all our glory and our shame, and even in our moments of pain. and as i lay down tonight it is not my prayer that the lord keep him from these things, but rather that he seek the lord in these moments, these moments of utter, raw emotion, in times where he doesn't understand, in times where he is confused or heartbroken, that he finds his refuge and his comfort there in god so that he doesn't have to feel this sort of desperation, this distraught.

each and every night we lay our son down and pray over him that he would walk with the lord day in and day out as many as he is given. it took me nineteen years to find the lord. i remember those feelings of desperation, i remember being absolutely overcome by so much emotion i didn't know what to do with myself, being let down time and time again because my hope was in who i was dating or materialistic things, a romanticized, worldly kind of lifestyle that will never and never brought satisfaction. feelings of hopelessness, rather than feelings of hope. it is a dark place to be, yet i see so many walk it everyday.

i don't want to protect my son from these things, because well, they are life and they happen and are bound to, but i do desire he has the lord in his heart, as his hope, his comfort, his hiding place.

and tonight i thank god for allowing me to see a new side of my son, the reminder that not only do we absolutely need god in the big and the little things, but also for the reminder of how much both my son and i still have to learn about each other as we grow together in relationship as mother and as son. i am learning just how beautiful motherhood is and that it is often these raw moments that make it that much more beautiful, that much more tender, be it over a balloon or a broken heart, or loss down the road. To be able to lean down, scoop up my beautiful child and comfort him. to help navigate him through this life. and then to look to god and began to imagine how much more so he loves each and every one of us and absolutely desires we run straight into his arms. so tonight, i am doing just that. because he is there, because he loves us, because he desires so deeply that we do so.