a lesson in heartbreak

9:00 PM

my son accidently let go of his first balloon outside this evening. i've honestly never seen him so heartbroken or distraught nor have i see him have so much fun with a simple balloon just moments before. seriously, he was having the time of his life with this thing. we tried, we really tried to grab it but it was just out of reach and escaped us as it drift high, high into the sky before it was out of sight. to be honest, it completely broke my heart to see my son so distraught, tears strolling down his face, arms outstretched repeating "my balloon! my balloon!". he was literally shivering, bottom lip protruding farther than i knew it could ever go. i saw absolute raw emotion. it was a side of him i have never seen.
he was distraught, confused, broken over it. but yet, i am thankful for this experience. thankful that we have day in and out together and that we get to learn more about each other each and everyday, see each other in new light, in all our glory and our shame, and even in our moments of pain. and as i lay down tonight it is not my prayer that the lord keep him from these things, but rather that he seek the lord in these moments, these moments of utter, raw emotion, in times where he doesn't understand, in times where he is confused or heartbroken, that he finds his refuge and his comfort there in god so that he doesn't have to feel this sort of desperation, this distraught.

each and every night we lay our son down and pray over him that he would walk with the lord day in and day out as many as he is given. it took me nineteen years to find the lord. i remember those feelings of desperation, i remember being absolutely overcome by so much emotion i didn't know what to do with myself, being let down time and time again because my hope was in who i was dating or materialistic things, a romanticized, worldly kind of lifestyle that will never and never brought satisfaction. feelings of hopelessness, rather than feelings of hope. it is a dark place to be, yet i see so many walk it everyday.

i don't want to protect my son from these things, because well, they are life and they happen and are bound to, but i do desire he has the lord in his heart, as his hope, his comfort, his hiding place.

and tonight i thank god for allowing me to see a new side of my son, the reminder that not only do we absolutely need god in the big and the little things, but also for the reminder of how much both my son and i still have to learn about each other as we grow together in relationship as mother and as son. i am learning just how beautiful motherhood is and that it is often these raw moments that make it that much more beautiful, that much more tender, be it over a balloon or a broken heart, or loss down the road. To be able to lean down, scoop up my beautiful child and comfort him. to help navigate him through this life. and then to look to god and began to imagine how much more so he loves each and every one of us and absolutely desires we run straight into his arms. so tonight, i am doing just that. because he is there, because he loves us, because he desires so deeply that we do so.

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