In the thick of it.

8:03 PM

Yesterday was hands down the hardest day of my life as a mother. And you know what? As I think back on it now, it really shouldn't have been. Mostly, we were just at home except for the brief moment we were at Target and I left without a single thing because it just wasn't going to happen), but it was. The little things seemed huge, I could hardly keep my cool, and Holland was TESTING AND TESTING AND TESTING all. day. long. And now, I sit, frantically searching the web for "what is wrong with me". I just don't feel right.  I am a hormonal mess. I have never wanted to start my period so bad in my life. I even had my doctor order a long string of blood tests (which I still haven't had done going on two weeks now). I am crampy and exhausted, emotional, moody, the little things seem BIG, my motivation is gone but all of this only in waves. I feel great,  eh, make that pretty good, and then downright terrible. And today, I come across this article from A CUP OF JO: Motherhood Mondays: The hardest two months of my life. And it all makes SO much sense. Why don't people tell you these things?

I started the weaning process with Holland around 11 months, expecting him to nurse in the night well into 18 months, maybe longer, but it was not so. He had other plans. And almost 2 weeks ago, he just stopped nursing all together. Just like that, he turned me down and never went back. I admit, I was a little shocked, definitely sad. Even in the middle of the night, I LOVED that time. I wasn't ready, but he was and so be it. I made it to my 12 month goal, and that feels good but seriously, my hormones are screaming. My body is fighting me. I hate chalking behavior up to hormones, but I am calling this one. This has got to be what is going on and I am in the THICK of it. I only hope it passes quickly. And if just one other mom stumbles upon this and can relate it will be well worth it and so I am sharing. I had not the slightest idea to expect even the least of this pre-weaning. Had I, I probably would have waited to do so. But, here I am, and in the mean time I am trying my darndest to not let "feelings" get the best of me and reciting to myself over and over again truths I know all too well, "the Lord will not give you more than you can handle, the Lord will not give you more than you can handle…"My heart knows it, my lips proclaiming it reaffirms. And I praise God I am not alone in this.

And looking at my beautiful son, and loving husband it seems absurd it is even possible to feel some of the ways A CUP OF JO discusses, but I think she is majorly onto something. And knowing it too will pass is something I welcome with open arms. Here's to feeling normal again!

Holland Cooper, even in the stinkiest days I still love you to the moon buddy. To the moon.

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